Oh for fuck’s sake, y’all. So much is swirling in my head and being a grown up just bites sometimes. I hate this adulting thing. This week has (already) been one of uncertainty, financial douchery, and temporary employment ennui.
My recovery process has been amazing, don’t get me wrong – I have learned so much in the last 949 days. Seriously, I think anyone could benefit from working a 12 step program, addict or no. The funny thing is, when I learn something that I feel is life changing and substantial, I always think to myself, “boy, won’t it be awesome when I can use this knowledge in real life? I can hardly wait until a situation presents itself and I can choose to react like __________.” You can insert whatever you like here; “a mature adult” or “a calm and rational grown-up” or my personal fave, “like I have some fucking home training and common sense and don’t need to go all fetal in the corner somewhere because I don’t know what the hell to do and I’m terrified”. I’m paraphrasing, of course.
Except that IT IS NOT awesome when it happens and you have to ‘use your tools’. My first reaction is NOT to pause and breathe, I’ll tell you THAT. My initial reaction is to pour about 13 ounces of straight vodka into a glass and to SIT AND HOLD THE FUCK UP FOR A MINUTE before my entire head pops off its stem and lazily rolls away from my body while it, in turn, implodes. I hate change. I hate limbo. I hate grey, I prefer black and white. But nooo…my whole life right now is an ever-changing mass of complicated limbo while languishing in various unsavory shades of grey. What’s a
drunk gal to do?
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The highway of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision – Unknown
Well, this is where I have to pull out the resources I’ve been taught. My first reaction is ALWAYS fear, in one form or another. Fear of change, or fear of failure. Fear of manipulation, or loss of control. And here’s the thing about that; I’m not in control of much. I am merely in control of myself, and my choices and responsibilities. There’s amazing freedom in relinquishing control, and believe me, I cannot even believe I’ve just typed those words.
Hear me out:
It’s true. I have learned (and am still actively learning) the process by which you recognize your lack of control and that, my friends, is a gift, if you can choose to look at it that way. Once I realize this, some of the fear abates. I am NOT in control of whether or not these folks offer me a permanent position. I am NOT in control of the abysmal traffic getting to and from this hellhole. I AM in control of negotiating a salary if said job is offered to me. I do not have to accept said job if I feel it isn’t a good fit for me. Guilt, as a dear and wise friend reminded me yesterday, is a useless emotion. I have managed to fret over a circumstance that may or may not arise, for the last couple of days. This is very counter-productive to my time and mental stability, yet I find myself obsessing (once again) over and over at EVERY possible scenario and how it will inevitably end in certain disaster, or with me hanging limply from a ceiling fan. I realize that I get my needle stuck on this point (see below post) but it bears repeating. Recently I’ve heard it said that if you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, you’re probably holding it. THIS IS SO MY LIFE YOU GUYS.
Ever thought you might land a job you don’t want? What would it take to relinquish your creative soul to the corporate devil? Big salary? Benefits? Desperation? Sometimes we have to do what’s necessary and that’s the part of adulting that seems to stick in my craw. Let me say here that nothing I’m referring in this post is a life or death decision, and I do tend to have a penchant for the dramatic, of course, BUT, having said that – I did mention that part of the purpose of this blog is to help me LIVE SOBER and living sober often requires making decisions and not flipping the F out. Every. Single. Time.
Well, I don’t know what the future holds. What I do know is that I’ve survived 100% of the shit I’ve been through so far, so really, the odds are in my favor I’ll get through this as well. Maybe that’s how I need to look at things – through my liver filter. Through the liver filter, almost everything looks rosier because almost everything is better than dying from liver failure. . . amirite?!?
How do you process your decisions? Do you freak out initially and weigh your options? Do you go with your gut reaction? Do you plunge in wholeheartedly and see where it takes you? Do you follow your heart or listen to your head? Do you just crawl under the covers with some peanut butter cups and wait for an epiphany because I totally think that’s going to be my strategy going forward.
In a onesie.
Y’all can comment down below – all feedback appreciated-you do NOT have to have an account to do so and can even just type in your name and comment and hit enter and no one is the wiser. JUST SAYIN’.
When it comes to making decisions, I just do it. Every decision I make is the right one. I deal/live with the outcome no matter what, so I just choose. I’m action oriented, Sagittarius, preacher’s kid, second born with a scant of Type A. I don’t weigh options – I act. I am also highly intuitive (no I don’t know the future, but I ‘read’ people/situations so accurately it’s a bit scary sometimes)…my gut has never been wrong in 44 years. I’ve even take the job I knew I didn’t want only to quit the 2nd day with sheer joy. I plunge and doggie paddle my ass off..if I drown, well, I drown for a bit. What’s a little water up my nose-what is the worst that could ever happen?? As long as death or prison isn’t an option, it’s gonna be fine. Nothing is a life sentence, unless it’s a life sentence – you can change your mind, you can say no, you can try again…one door shuts, another opens..all that cheesy stuff..it’s true. I’ve always had a relationship with God and I give Him control of life as a whole. Maybe that’s why I don’t weigh options..?? I feel confident it’s gonna all be alright regardless.
Sharon, WOW. I’m envious AND inspired! I absolutely love your approach, and you know what? You’re right – nothing is a life sentence, unless it IS a life sentence! I love that. I’m going to do my best to adopt your approach and confidence. It’s all gonna be alright.
Now, come over and let’s be BFF’s and binge-watch “Ozark”. I’ll get more peanut butter cups.
OMG – Ozark was awesome! 🙂 Binged the crap out of it…so good! And Terrifying! I’m weaving your friendship bracelet now and making you a mix tape. 😉
Hi Jenny – needed to hear this today so even if you’re under the covers in a onesie eating peanut butter cups just know you have helped 1 person – me. I totally understand (well not totally because i never had the exact issue of the liver failure which, fuck, scary shit). However, ive been holding the other shoe as i wait for it to fall. I have, on the other hand, had severe enough depression and anxiety, that it has affected working and my livelihood and as i lie here completely exhausted have to relinquish control that I have to take care of myself with some tugging anxiety that if im not perfect on my job i’ll lose it. Probably not going to happen, but ya never know. Ya never know anything. And the other anxiety that i will never ever have time, money, stability and be able to be a writer, painter, traveler, that life will just be one big kissing ass endeavor and ill die just thinking what the hell? What happened? SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA….. UGH. Just stop the insanity. Let me remember the good. Let me be imperfectly me. You are imperfectly perfect. Love u!!
Above rant was Lori ❤
Lori, thanks SO much for reaching out. It helps to know that we’re not alone, huh? I have to wholeheartedly agree about your anxiety about running out of time, etc – I have felt that way a LOT lately…BIG ASS KISSING endeavor – amen. We ARE imperfectly perfect. I really like that. Have you ever checked out The Bloggess? She’s a blogger and hilarious author named Jenny Lawson – she struggles with depression and mental illness, and is coincidentally, HILARIOUS. She may be a resource to add to your toolkit! Thanks again for reading and commenting. I’m so glad you’re on this journey with me!
I agree with Sharon on the decision making process. If you feel it’s right for you in that moment, accept it and it’s consequences… sometimes that in itself is the lesson to be learned. And sometimes that very “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that” helps you learn to HEAR your inner voice trying to smack you upside your head to stop you. That is how I’ve dealt with decisions I’ve made that had surprise consequences. Those decisions once made are in the past and unchangeable and therefore irrelevant beyond the lesson to learn for the future. But that’s the Aries in me, leaping freely off the ledge…. who luckily absolutely loves planning things when I know they are in my future. “Oh God, you’re gonna make a list, aren’t you” is often heard by my kids. 🙂 Find a distraction for your anxiety driven thought obsessions and only allow it 5 minutes to waste… then turn all those what ifs into a plotline and write a story on it. 😀
A list maker! YOU!?!? Me too! I have lists on TOP of my lists! On my phone, in my purse, sticky notes in my car – it’s ridic! You’re right about the lessons, Heather. I have been “limiting” my anxiety/worry time when I feel it creeping in these days. I remind myself of the here and now, and breathe. So far, so good. Be authentic, ask for help, and stay away from vodka. These are simple guidelines, no? WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD?!?! Thanks as ALWAYS for reading, commenting and sharing your wisdom. You have inspired me in more ways than one, my friend! One day this will be a novel. Or a mini-series. Who do you want to play you?!? Hands off Sandra Bullock, she’s me. *wink*