I’m not sure where to start.
Staring at the above picture sends a ripple of mixed emotions through my veins. I could go all triumph over tragedy on your asses, but I won’t. I don’t feel that way. . .not today, anyway. This picture fills me with quiet hope and solemn pride but also really packs a ruthless and sickening gut-punch.*
Jesus take the damn wheel did that green shit really and truly come OUT OF ME?!?!
Yes. Yes, it did. The other fun fact about the above photo is there is yet another pitcher of neon green goo to the right of the FULL one. Swear. I remember asking the technicians in the laboratory if I could take a picture, and how they looked at me with soft eyes, staring blank stares at each other. I also remember thinking back then that they probably just couldn’t believe my bravery and my exemplary sense of humor, but since then I’ve realized that they were staring at me because I was dying.
For the last one thousand days I have chosen life. Life with all of its imperfections and flaws, as well as its joyful surprises and rewards. I’ve chosen love, and I’ve experienced unconditional love as well. I have witnessed grace and forgiveness. I have screamed at the skies and collapsed in sobs. I’ve experienced terror and uncertainty, and shame and humiliation. I have formed bonds with a tapestry of humans that linked their arms together in unison to catch me when I threatened to plummet into the seemingly hopeless abyss of my own self-created destruction.
I know I’m usually the first to make a joke of things or go for the easy laugh, but not today. Today is a day of reflection, pride, and yes, some triumph. But some days it’s just still so raw. The wolves still circle at my door, y’all – don’t get me wrong. But these days, if I do the next right thing and keep my intentions true, they’ll lay down for a spell and stop their anxious and restless pacing. I have to live in my truth and some days are easier than others. I know this is the same for many of you and I honor the warrior in your spirit, as well.
They say that without the darkness, we wouldn’t see the stars. Well, I can see the stars now, and they shine with an ethereal brilliance that sometimes blinds me.
They’re lighting my way, you see.
*My sincere and heartfelt thanks to all of you for letting me share my story with you. And now I have to make one itty bitty joke because after proofing this post I couldn’t help but think that “gut-punch” is totally what I should caption the above picture. GET IT!?!? It’s the “punch” from my guts! WHO WANTS A MARGARITA?!? See? I really just can’t help myself.