Drop and give me Zen.

So I’ve upped my yoga game lately as it just seems like a good proactive thing to do towards my wellbeing.  I mean, we’re living in uncertain times and I’ll take my serenity where and when I can, right?

I’ve been trying different studios in town, checking out teachers of all specialties and have sampled different types of yoga such as vinyasa flow and restorative yoga.  Not hot yoga. I sweat like a whore in church during regular yoga, thankyaverymuch.

Anyway, in my class the other morning there were four men in attendance and I gotta tell ya, it threw me off.  It shouldn’t have, but it did.  I’m all about the guys getting in on the action and of course yoga is for everybody but it shifted the dynamic of the class for me and I’d like to think I’m pretty unflappable.  I’ve had dudes in classes before, but never populating almost half of the group.

OMG YOU GUYS did I accidentally take “BRO-GA” or something?!?   Does this mean I have to start wearing wife-beaters, droopy nylon shorts, and Axe body spray?

I don’t appear to be getting any better.  Today in class we had to get into some pose where you were balanced (ideally) on one foot and crossed your leg over your knee and behind said leg and then you took your arms out and up towards the sky and I swear to you I have had finer and more sharpened balance at a DUI checkpoint.  I looked like I was fighting back a seizure.

And for the finale today I had to bend backwards over some sort of bolster with my knees tucked under my weight and my belly and boobs bowed up towards the heavens in some sort of collarbone/chest stretch that I will call “Braveheart” from here on out because all I wanted to do while in this pose was vomit bellow “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” like at the end of the movie when they remove Mel Gibson’s entrails. I reminded myself that back in my drinking days I could’ve passed out like this ON A FENCE without difficulty.

Now they have Acro yoga where you and someone else attempt to perform some Cirque de Soliel shit without a net or an Ambulance nearby.  They also have these yoga inversion swings with ropes and crap.  Like I’m getting in one of those without a safety word and dinner first.  

Man, how I miss the days when it used to be enough just to survive a yoga class without an audible fart.