Saturday I had some errands to run just like I’m sure many of you do on your Saturdays. Two of my errands were; 1. to purchase some ginger beer at my local fancy health food place, and 2. to pick up a crazy-ass specific light-bulb for the hood of our stove. Lucky for me the hardware store is right next to our local fancy health food place.
Now let me pause right here to mention that if you haven’t tried ginger beer, I suggest you do. Now that my nightly martini(s) is no longer an option, I consider this my nightly “treat”, if you will. You know, the drink you don’t drink with dinner, but beforehand while you’re puttering around watching the news or multitasking and whatnot. In most households this is probably a glass of wine or something else as lovely. Well, for me, now, it’s ginger beer. It’s yummy and spicy and (fun fact!) terrific for your digestive system. Now you CAN say that about vodka as well except for the fact that vodka will sometimes clean you out but not in the way you’d like it to.
ANYWAY. I purchased my ginger beer and decided to just bop over to the hardware store to grab my lightbulb without taking the ginger beer to my car first. It’s just next door, after all.
I ran into the hardware and grabbed my lightbulb. I placed the lightbulb and the ginger beer on the conveyor belt as I rummaged through my purse for my wallet. I turned down a bag at the local fancy health food place because I didn’t want to take one for a purchase that actually CAME with it’s own handle. The effervescent cashier at the hardware store was EXCITED to see me. She was PERKY. She was young. I mean young. Like basically a fetus wearing a name tag. Her eyes lit up when she spotted my ginger beer. I mentioned to her that I was headed to my car from the local fancy health food place when I remembered I needed my lightbulb.
She piped up cheerfully! “OH. MY. GOD”, she gasped. “Have you tried these with bourbon?!? They are DELICIOUS! You just mix the ginger beer in with some bourbon and then just pour that over some ice with a little lime juice and they are SO refreshing!”
What I said: “Really? That sounds amazing! I can’t wait to try it – have a great day!”
What I wanted to say: “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, Brittney?!? WHAT DO YOU KNOW FROM BOURBON? What do you know, period? I INVENTED that recipe, not Pinterest. It’s all fun and games, isn’t it Brittney!?! One minute you’re doing an athletic (yet sexy) keg stand and the next thing you know it’s been THIRTY YEARS. I bet nothing on you has even THOUGHT about sagging, has it? I bet you’re wearing a neon thong right now, AREN’T YOU BRITTNEY? Why don’t you just give me my fucking light-bulb before I punch you in your snap-chatting throat?”
See? Progress. I am so thankful that I no longer have anger issues.